Disclaimer -- well, sort of -- I found it funny but I did not write it. Note the title totally in capitals; I would never do that.
Again I have received an anonymous contribution, but I believe I recognize the references. Years ago, Joey Slinger wrote a collection of essays, No Axe Too Small to Grind, with a memorable entry called Let Your Fingers Do the Walking [through the yellow pages' list of brothels in Ottawa, hub of the diplomatic corps]. Now, I can only surmise, but I suspect this writer has read Joey's essay -- one of the most hilarious to which I've ever been exposed. It would tickle the fancy of any Canadian prude -- and the fancy of a few less prudish ones. At any rate, when I received this, I read it and decided to post it as a missive from the far side.
HOOKED ON PROFITS
The National Post financial section article by Sonali Paul (May 2, 2003 FPT 1) had a story about the first legal brothel in Australia to go with a public stock offering. The stock is totally tied to a high-rise luxury hotel in Melbourne. Its name is The Daily Planet; I guess Clark Kent won't have to change in a dirty old phone booth anymore. And Lois is now making some serious coin, so she and Superman can finally get married. Jimmy Olsen is struggling with the moral dilemma of whether to be a junior reporter or a big pimp daddy.
The Daily Planet raised A$ 3.75 million after selling 7.5 million shares. The stock rose from an initial offering at fifty cents to A$1.09. There are plans to expand to Sydney. And down the line they may consider their "international ambassador" Heidi Fleiss' advice to build a Sex Disneyland with fantasy rides. "You could even have simulator of a six mile high club," CEO Andrew Harris enthused.
Obviously a boffo idea for Ottawa to consider. Consider the tax possibilities. Already they have a big-breasted nursing mother in gambling. Government marijuana stores are just around the corner, so why not go the full monty. Think of all those escort businesses in Ottawa's yellow pages that are lost revenue. Legalize them; slap on a hefty sin tax; and hire thousands more bureaucrats to regulate them. The government could then enact draconian laws to sweep unregulated hookers off the streets. Who needs competition in this country?
"What they are doing in Australia is very forward-thinking," Ms Fleiss stated. Surely Ottawa does not want to be seen as stodgy and backward. Take a giant Trudeauian step. Just extrapolate a bit. After all, if the government has no business in the nation's bedrooms, does it have any rights in the nations' brothels?
To get this idea up and running, may I make a few modest proposals?
1. Get a high-powered individual who has name appeal in both entertainment and the sex trade. My nomination is Charlie Sheen. Make him Minister of Adult Fun. An added advantage would be the thought of Chretien chortling at getting back at the U.S. president -- only to learn Martin Sheen is only an actor. "Well, daddy, your son is a real politician," will have be his sole consolation.
2. Take all the hideously expensive Crown lands that never get utilized and turn the urban pieces into convergent entertainment centers. Group the casinos, whorehouses, and Government bud stores together – now there is a real Disneyland. Good riddance to all those wasted tourist dollars that ended up in Vegas or Atlantic City. If this flies, move the scheme into the boonies. The eco-bunnies do not want redwoods cut down; then build treehouse brothels in them. Think Heidi's mile high club.
3. Slogans to hype the concept are necessary. Put ads in tourist brochures, such as this one for Ottawa: "And you thought there was only one musical ride on the Hill?" Or for the beleaguered Newfies: "Not only the whales spout in Come-by-Chance." Not to be left out (especially, as they rarely vote Liberal) there could be a Saskatchewan reservation themed center. Teepee brothels with bingo parlours across the street could be rounded out with sweat lodges that double as saunas and de-tox centers. Duty-free dope could be purchased on exiting the rez. The slogan: "Welcome culture-destroying Paleface. Leave your dollars, not your values."
As part of our inclusive society, we must consider the economic needs of our multiculural brethern. Therefore, in ethnic neighbourhoods we will have secluded centers where the Wild World Of Sex can be shared. Bollywood Brothels could teach the more prudish Canadians the Kama Sutra techniques. Bangkok Patpong Massages could prove that cleanliness really is next to Godliness. (Sorry, Menage à trois available only in Quebec).
Lastly, for the politically correct, cultural elite, there will be a section of The Royal Ontario Museum set aside for a salon de sexe. It will be devoted to uplifting carnal activities. Up the Sisterhood will display the visual crudities of male sexual fantasies, (thirty part series), while F. Mowat will read from his latest work: "Sex and the Canadian Beaver".
Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and liberator of our finest and most exalted activities. (Havelock Ellis)
