Well, to everybody's surprise, Kim was elected Chairman to the Defense Board of North Korea. On the news of his 687 to 0 win, "The nation's households emptied of housewives; the factories closed down; and the school children burst onto the streets--all were waving flowers and dancing.” Kim has been elected to this post since 1994, so any performance anxiety on his part was probably held in check.
And to think what boy Kim has had to endure to gain these accolades! Physically, he resembles the dwarf who played Mini-me in the Austin Powers' movies. To overcome this deficiency, he tends to wear macho clothes, which seem to strike a balance between Glorious Engineer and his dyke gym teacher's outfit. As though that were not disabling enough, he appears to suffer from prolonged bouts of social anxiety. Sometimes the adoring millions gather in stadiums and do that great placard thing--you know, where they block out a portrait of the Master of the Suns and Moons (a minor title--Daddy was the Master of the Universe). The problem is that The Father of his People just can't bring himself to attend. Maybe he remembers the assassination of half South Korea's cabinet in Burma by Daddy. Add teenage angst and confusion about Daddy's title as Benevolent Leader of All Peaceful Nations.
Despite these drawbacks, Kim has found a way to get his sublime messages to the adoring masses. In a stroke of inventive genius (Oh,Glorious Engineer!) he came upon a way of stopping his peoples' tendency to wander away from his six hour speeches on Juche, the guiding principle of self-reliance. He banned all radio stations, except his own propaganda station. Now, wouldn't Chretien like to be the Great Engineer? Abolish all the TV stations and just use the CBC. Give them only the news that you think is fit to print -- "Shawgigate, where did you hear that term? Not in Canada."
But, I digress from the triumphs of Kim, Huge Loincloth of the People's Glorious Two Million Man Armed Forces. Certain wimpish qualities should not deflect your gaze from a Man of Determination. Who else has the fortitude to baldly remind Seoul that it will be incinerated in three hours, should it get too cosy with the Capitalist Monkeys. Thank God The Terminator is running for governor. We will need his type when Kim, the newly re-elected Supreme Commmader of the Defense Board, raises his elfin hand to launch the obliterating attack on Seoul, and to toss a few, payback nukes at Japan.
A dear friend of mine once described the highly-controlled North Koreans as "the ultimate ant people". I beg to disagree, the ants could never boogie down over such honours given to their queen.
